The "Rules"

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This is the definitive compilation of the Rules for Table Tennis.  These
 go far beyond those set by ITTF and are intended for regular players, 
and they were delivered by the Table Tennis Gods, not the mere ITTF.  See  the rest of the thread for further commentary.  

 1. Wipe your damned sweat off the table.

2. No choing unless your are getting paid to win. Further, players under
 1200 rating using Tenergy are not allowed any sort of celebration when 
their shots land on the table.

3. Rubbers are to be trimmed cleanly around the edge of your rackets.

4. You must apologize for nets and edges. A small gesture with your 
non-playing hand will suffice, but only after the point is over. 

5. You must show up on time.

6. Harden the f^#k up. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

7. You are not allowed to put your name on the back of your shirt unless you are a professional player.

8. You are allowed to wear a shirt with a manufacturer logo (e.g. Donic or Butterfly) up to the age of 50, at which time this is no longer allowed.

9. Your socks should not go higher than mid-calf. You are required to 
actually wear socks and they cannot under any circumstances be black.

10. You must wear footwear designed for racket sports. Under no circumstances are basketball shoes allowed.

11. You may not use long pips or anti-spin on your backhand unless you 
have a demonstrated ability to hit a strong topspin loops with your 
forehand in live match play.

12. No matter how you think you look like when playing in your mind's eye, in reality you are probably not that good.

13 You must be aware of the official documents of ITTF that govern our 
sport, over and above the Laws of Table Tennis. These include Technical 
Bulletins and the Handbook for Match Officials.  This must be done before you make posts about rules on TT forums or social media.

14 It never gets easier but you do get better. (Not really a rule, but a fact of life)

15 Keep accurate track of the damned score!

16 Serve legally.  That is sometimes whatever the umpire says is legal (see also Rule 6) which may require some adaptability on your part.

17 However you may not post threads on TT forums complaining about opponents who serve illegally.

18 You are not allowed to start comment threads on TT forums about rules changes that occurred more than ten years earlier.

19 Cellulose acetate balls may be used for Christmas decorations but should not be used in actual table tennis matches.

20 The correct number of blades to own is n + 1 where n is the number 
you own now. An exemption can be made for players in committed 
relationships, in which case the correct number is s-1, where s is the 
number of blades that causes your spouse or partner to leave you. 

  21 You are not allowed to do multiball drills on a
 court where the barriers are not adequate, or where the court is too 
small, to prevent your balls from disrupting adjacent courts.

22 If one of two players is consistently whacking their shots into the 
next court, the two players should trade sides in an attempt to minimize
 this.

23 You are not allowed to retrieve your ball from the adjacent court while their point is still in progress.

24 You may not defend TTex on table tennis forums or social media, and 
similarly you are not allowed to mention Pickleball or in any way 
acknowledge its existence. 

  25. You must understand that the Chinese do not win because they cheat.

26. You may not engage in arguments on TT forums about the GOAT in which
 you advocate for any player who has not won a world championship in 
singles. Similarly you are not allowed to discuss players who played 
prior to 1960 without creating a special category for pre-sponge players
 in which case the only possible person in that category is Viktor 
Barna.

27. While it is allowed and perhaps even mandated to own an insane 
number of blades (see rule 20), it is not allowed to believe that the 
next one you buy will appreciably improve your level.

28. There is no alternative to Tenergy, even though other rubbers are very good indeed. Stop asking.

29 Intentionally losing so as to maintain your ability to play in rating
 events where you might win a trophy is an act that requires extreme 
introspection as to why you should continue to play.

30. All ranking systems are flawed in one way or another. All comments 
on this topic in table tennis forums must begin by acknowledging this 
fact.

  31. TTNPP will not return your emails. Stop asking. Your stuff will arrive eventually.

32. Sockpuppetry on internet TT forums can be used as an automatic 
referral to see a mental health professional. Especially if you create 
an identity with a name like John Barron (look it up).

33. If you spend more than 60 US dollars on a table tennis rubber than 
you are not allowed to glue it to your blade with Tearmender or rubber 
cement.

34. Support your local table tennis club or it will cease to exist.

35. Only bring water onto a table tennis court with Gerflor or a similar
 material. You are especially not allowed to bring Starbucks coffee 
drinks onto such courts.

  36. You are not allowed to play 
table tennis in a shirt without any sleeves. Exceptions are granted for 
Liu Shiwen and Bernadette Szocs (and on a case by case basis moving 
forward).

37. You are allowed to swear while playing as long as you avoid racist 
or homophobic tropes. If you do it in a foreign language you are bad 
ass.

38. Young kids are often under-rated and will beat you. You are required
 to live with it. (This primarily pertains to North America).

39. The young kids you used to destroy may someday be your coach. You are allowed to look at the bright side of this fact.

40. Practicing shadow strokes is weird. It is allowed but do it in private.

41. It is allowed to call our sport ping pong. But the simple word "pong" is preferred.

42. You are not allowed to join fan clubs of top players and be obnoxious in cheering them on at international events. 

43. You are not allowed to use the word "control" to describe a blade or
 rubber unless you state exactly what it is you are controlling.

44. You are not allowed to subject your playing partners to crappy 
balls. Buy new ones.

45. Compared to most sports, table tennis is incredibly inexpensive. 
Therefore while it is allowed and even normal to be annoyed by the price
 of a rubber and blades, you are not allowed to mention this in any TT 
forum except in a full review of a product, and only then in comparison 
to comparable products.

  46. All practice sessions that 
have included at least 30 minutes of forehand looping must include an 
equivalent length of time practicing the short game and return of serve.

47. If you converse with your playing partner (or someone outside the court), you should be barely audible at the next table.

48. If you are the national champion in a rating event that is excellent
 but you are not really a national champion and you are not allowed to 
mention this victory as part of your signature on an internet forum. You
 are allowed to mention what blade you used in a signature.

49. Tournaments can have rating events (e.g. under 2100) and age events 
(e.g. over 50) but they should not have age-specific rating events.

50. The best win of your life is not your actual level.

  51. Deep or contentious 
discussions of physics in threads on table tennis forums should probably
 be avoided. Exceptions can be made for players with doctorates in 
aerospace engineering who have playing levels of 2300 or greater.

52. Beyond a certain age you are not going to easily succeed in making 
large changes in your technique but you can make it more effective and 
you can learn to play smarter. If this describes you then you are not 
allowed to ask "how to hit a Chinese loop" on any TT forum or social 
media. You are allowed to ask a Chinese coach. You are not allowed to be
 offended if his response is "ah yes, but for you this will be very 
difficult".

53. All players must recognize that every type of rubber requires 
mastery of techniques and that acquiring such mastery takew a long time.
 So if a long pips player beats you they are not cheating. However, see 
rule 11. If somebody beats you who is in violation of rule 11, 
nevertheless you must accept full responsibility. You are not allowed to
 state or even imply indirectly that they are cheating; instead you 
should not even admit to it or ever mention it to anyone, except 
possibly to a Catholic priest in an act of confession. 

54. If you sweat a lot you are required to bring several shirts with you and use all of them. See also rule 1.

55. Drinking beers with mates after playing table tennis is an enlightened form of existence.

56. That "national" version of a rubber you just got probably isn't.

57. You are not allowed to apply random household products on your table
 tennis equipment in an attempt to find a cheap way to boost. If you 
must boost, buy some booster.

58. You are not allowed to use the Seemiller grip unless you are 
American. Some would extend this to say that you should have grown up 
near Pittsburgh. 

59. If your rubber looks old you must change it. If it is new but filthy you are required to clean it. You are not allowed to be a filth-wizard.

Edited by Baal - 10/25/2019 at 2:00pm

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